bringing it back

It is time to bring it back. The blog that is. Things that have happened since September 30, 2009;

I have been nicotine free for over a year now. There are days I wished I still smoked but I only intend on quitting once.

I went to Athens GA to visit my childhood friend and came home with a large tattoo which is still under construction.

I lost a fair amount of weight and would still like to tone up my 'soft parts'.

A new little man has been introduced in the family in 2010. He is a sweet boy as is his brother. Seeing them melts my heart and makes me happy.

My family and I went to Mexico for Christmas this past year. A much needed vacation.

News of another little man to join our family in 2011. I am excited to meet him.

I have done so much to my apartment since the last time. It is time to start taking pictures so those who have never been here can see my tepee.

I found a man, cared for him deeply and lost him. I think that has been the most painful.

I have leanred a lot since Sept 2009. I have learned that no matter how long you have been friends with someone you can't always be the one putting forth all of the effort. At some point you must know when to cut your losses, grieve and move forward. I have learned to calm down. Quitting smoking was hard but I have felt so much better in general. I do not feel as angry, I feel that I am in a better mood and I feel that my mind is clearer overall. I have learned that I have a lot to work on with regards to relationships. If you have never had a healthy relationship then you probably do not know how to be in a healthy relationship and that takes time. I have learned that long distance relationships are extremely hard. I learned that it is important to make sure that you and the other person are on the same page and to close the distance gap as often as you are able. It is possible to care deeply for someone and that not be enough. I have learned that my immediate family does not understand me. This is ok. I have learned that solitude is nice. I enjoy being by myself. I do not have to constantly be with other people to have a good time. It is nice to look around and take in the scenery and everything that inhabits that frame. I have learned that I am still afraid of the dark. I cannot watch scary movies and not sleep with some sort of light. My imagination is still very active. I have learned that physical exercise is a great. It gives you the feel good endorphins and keeps your body happy. I have learned that I enjoy Pilates enough that I want to be trained and certified. I learned that is an endeavor I cannot currently afford. I have learned to write. It is the only way that I am able to work through issues or problems being an extrovert. I have learned that I can't keep it all inside because it hurts and then it gets magnified, distorted and eventually I explode.

That is enough. This is me checking in. I will do so more often.

It has been a bit...

Well the dreams are getting less weird, I guess. Still dreaming pretty hard.

It has been awhile. In the last five weeks I have: been to a bachelorette party, been to a wedding, been to a fashion tradeshow of sorts, learned a new program for work, seen two bands play and watched Mizzou beat Illinois in our first game of the season. It was a busy month to say the least. Here are the photos from the bachelorette party. These photos were found in the Riverfront Times and London Calling’s website but there are many more on Facebook. My digital camera officially pooped out awhile ago and due to some expenses I have not purchased a new one. I rely on publications and friends to take photos of such fabulous occasions. This is bad, I know, because I enjoy taking photos.

I saw a psychic recently and that was quite the adventure. I am a skeptical person but very open minded so I wasn’t sure what to expect. I was semi floored. She told me some generic stuff that is pretty basic from what I have heard. But the there were other things that she told me that I wasn’t prepared for. Susan the psychic: “The past year your world has been upside down. I am not sure why but it has been a weirdly rough year for you. The third week of October you will start to feel more settled. By May there will be a shift in your career. You won’t be doing the same thing but the skill set you currently have you will have forever. The word Interior sticks in my mind more clearly than anyone I have ever met. Focus on Interior and focus on Interior of self. (Interior Design…?) You don’t have kids but there is a pet. But if you choose? (literally she was questioning me) there are two children waiting for you.”
Me: “I am not sure if I want Children”
Susan: “Their spirits will find you either way. Through birth, adoption or pets. You are single and have been for awhile. (really? Duh!) I am told you will meet someone that you have never met soon. December, when you least expect it. Your relationship will be deep and when you come home you will feel safe. It will be a spicy relationship that is not bland but not edgy. You need to be yourself. You have a hard time being yourself around men. (TMI but I get nervous sometimes)
That was pretty much the extent of it. We will see. If by the third week of October nothing has settled then I will know she was a fake.

Things to look forward to: Mike finishing his NCIDQ so I can actually see my dear friend again; the First Annual Fall Ball which was a concept my friend Jess and I came up with because my prom sucked and I love formal gowns and what girl doesn’t really; Breast Cancer 5K with my mom in Springfield; Homecoming weekend in Columbia, MO with the Stan Fam.; the UNRAVEL IIDA Fashion Show and quite possibly Fashion Week in general. Lastly, Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I don’t think I am dressing up this year because I cannot figure out how I am going to beat Ugly Betty from last year.

Dreaming on Drugs.....legally, of course.

Chantix has made my dreaming pure entertainment. I have had crazy dreams in the past and some of them reoccurring but these are a hodgepodge of random events and people.

Early Sunday morning I was dreaming quite hard….

My mother and grandmother and I were at a Casino which happened to have a dance club also. I was working some slot machines and my mother informed me that she and my grandmother were going to go dance. A few hours and broke later I went on a search for the dancing queens. Large over scaled double doors open and out come my mother, grandmother and a quite attractive young many around my current age who happens to be holding my grandmothers hand. They were laughing and giggling like little girls and they were also sweaty like they had been shaking some booty. When I asked them what they were doing and who this gentleman was my grandmother informs me that she met him in the dance club and that he is going home with her….HUH? I asked this young man how old he is and my grandmother’s response was that age has no bearing on true connections. I proceeded to tell my grandmother that it is inappropriate that she take this young man home with her not to mention the inappropriateness of said man being the same age as her granddaughter…which didn’t seem to bother her in the least. My mother was all giddy grins and seemed to support the entire scenario. I got upset because how is it that my 82 year old grandmother can find a man and a younger one at that and I didn’t talk to anyone the entire evening? I got in my car and left upset, violated and hoping I would never have to say, ‘my grandmother and her 26 year old husband’ EVER in my life. And then I woke up.


This morning I woke up with this imprinted in my brain….

I am standing in my parents home, which happened to be a multi-million dollar beach house when something strange happened to my younger brother (I can’t quite pinpoint the strange thing that happened to him). My father has been not feeling well so I let him rest. My mother, who happens to be Jennifer Lopez in my dream, is out on the beach practicing with her choreographer and back up dancers. I open the front door yelling for my mother but she can’t quite seem to hear me. Instead of walking out and disturbing her, because I am sure J-Lo would have been pissed that I interrupted her practice, I decided to take care of the situation myself. I slammed the door and lock it. After fiddling with the lock for a period of time our family’s body guard came over and informed me that he changed the lock and locked a different latch on the door for me. I informed him that in the future if he intends on changing the locks to MY house he needs to inform the entire family of their function. Then he proceeded to tell me that when it comes to matters of security regarding this home that it is none of my business. This exchange lasted for a bit. I ended up getting very angry and leaving my house without telling J-Lo or my father. I drove up to the gas station to fill up my tank in my quite modest black Honda Accord (seriously, I was driving my old car from college you would think J-Lo would have me in something else or maybe I am humbled and I don’t want her money…I don’t know at this point). I have my driver’s side door open while I am filling up so that I do not get hot in my car. While I am sitting there a car had pulled up to the pump across from me with two guys. The driver proceeds to get into my car with his mail. He was flipping through and checking his letters which was creepy enough and just talking to me. I asked him to please get out of my vehicle telling him that it is very odd he just get in my car like we know each other. He just kept talking and flipping. I start to ease out of my driver’s seat still asking him, and this time slightly louder, to please get out of my car. He finally agreed but not before starting to reach into my purse. I asked him to please not to. I got a sinister grin and he kept reaching. I started to beg for him not to reach into my purse. He reached in, grabbed and opened my wallet and took out a 50 dollar bill and a 20 dollar bill. He then reached into his pocket and handed me the contents which happened to be 12 dollars and a receipt. He also introduced me to the person sitting in the back seat of his car who looked like he was high on something. I woke up.

What does it all mean?

Baby Boy and his first day of School in a small town.

I am happy and proud to announce that baby boy started Medical School today in the quaint little town of Kirksville, MO. Let me start by saying Kirksville has a very cute antique/flea market of which I cannot wait to visit again.

Mom, Dad, Nonnie, Grandad and I made the voyage to the small community that is nothing more than a college town (I think the population is 5,000 some) this weekend for Lucas’s white coat ceremony. None of us knew what to expect as we had been given very little information about this ceremony but it is apparently a big deal. During this ceremony many speeches are given about how tough Medical School is (did someone think it would be easy?), how you should not be afraid to ask your teachers for whatever kind of help you may need and how elite they will be upon finishing school (yes, yes we all know we are ‘less superior’). Before the students have their coats put on them they state their name and degrees in front of the audience and professors (I will explain why this was fascinating to me). At the end of the ceremony the students take a pledge/oath. It is a historical ceremony that is a rite of passage and tradition.

I was fascinated by the areas of study and degrees held by these people that want to become doctors. One young man has an undergraduate in Piano Performance (I wonder if there is a baby grand that inhabits his student housing or apartment?). Another in Urban and City Planning from Missouri State University (WTF?). There were a couple of History majors. Another man majored in Biology and Automotive/Grease Monkey (as he so eloquently put it). The only thing I can figure about the automotive part is that he put himself through school by working as a mechanic. Either way, the sheer genius of these people baffles me. I, personally, do not and will never know what it is like to be that smart. One of Lucas’s new friends, Arindym(sp), bought a new car not too long ago. The second day of owning this vehicle he completely took a part the entire engine and rebuilt it in the same day. Why? Just to see how it went together…I mean he supercharged it too but unless you are a car mechanic I would not trust myself to drive this car after that. I don’t feel like this is a task where you have the DIY book in front of you. My main question about these kids with the ‘out of ordinary for doctor undergraduate’ would be….did they just study something they found completely interesting or did they want to challenge themselves at doing something they knew was not their calling or did they decide, randomly, at some point too late into their studies that they wanted to become a doctor?

I wanted to walk across that stage and say, “Abbey Lemons, University of Missouri-Columbia, Interior Design with a minor in Fine Art.

Something else that I found super interesting is that an Alumni from the A.T. Still School purchases a white coat for a first year every year. It is the most expensive yard of fabric they will ever own. My brothers white coat was purchased by our own Pediatrician. That brought a tear to my eye (I can’t figure out why I am so emotional…). My brother and I were always fond of our pediatrician.

On a quite different note: I have a new vintage rhinestone necklace purchased by my Nonnie (though I begged her not to because I was going to purchase it anyway) from a flea market in Kirksville. I could spend hours and hours in flea markets. It is the one place that I will dig for treasures. I hate digging in department stores and maybe it is because there are too many people and the music is stressful or maybe it is because I prefer old things and the solitude the flea market provides….I do not know. I am also a huge huge fan of tea sets. The Hidden Treasures store in Kirksville square had many of them. I am in the market for a cream and sugar set. I like mismatched tea sets because everyone can have their own unique cup and saucer. Plus, I could never decide on one pattern I preferred over another. So, if you are ever looking for an inexpensive gift for me….there you have it.

This weekend was quite relaxing. While I enjoy very much living in a bigger city, places like Kirksville help remind me where I came from and why I enjoy smaller towns so much. This weekend is the last time I will get to see my brother for quite some time. Saying so right now kind of brings a tear to my eye (good grief) because I didn’t get to see him that much before. I am hoping he will allow me to come to Kirksville to clean his apartment, help with laundry and do his grocery shopping. I did offer. If that is the only time I can see him I will take the grunt work over not seeing him at all. I am very very proud of him and I hope he has a great first day of medical school….the dream he has held for so long and is working toward achieving. My heroes are people who see their dreams through….something I do not always do well as my mind changes constantly. The one constant dream I can say is that I want a vineyard. I think this might be one of those that remain unrealistic or unattainable. Whatever though, it’s my dream no matter how unrealistic.

Kick-Off

Today is the day that my company kicks off its annual United Way campaign. I am proud to say that the company I work for is a big contributor for the St. Louis community United Way. This year I had the opportunity to become a member of the committee. I have had a great time putting this campaign together.
Most people know that this month marks the 40th Anniversary of Woodstock. We felt it only appropriate to have our campaign theme be 'Peace, Love and the United Way.' I look forward to see how much our company contributes this year to this great organization.
United Way helps fund many local programs which are vital especially during this tough economy. Our speaker captured everyone's attention by helping each individual in the room realize that they, themselves, have been touched by a United Way funded organization. I hope that this opened a lot of peoples eyes. Our goal this year is 95% participation within the company. I feel that with the enthusiasm of the kick-off today that we could very well reach that goal. If we do, we get Christmas Eve off! Here's hoping.

The photo is of me and two other committee members playing Wii Rockband as the other 450 associates come join the kick-off. I love that game a whole lot.

Not as expected

I am not doing as well as I have wanted. I have cheated and I am being honest about it though I would much prefer denial.
This is so hard. So hard. If you have never smoked I can not begin to tell you how hard it truly is. I really believe that I am going crazy too. I don't know what to do.
My dreams are still crazy. No scary ones. As soon as that happens I know I will lose my mind. I was attacked by a peacock last week and woke up to the peacock biting my face....Hilary? Rachel? Are you plotting against me at home?
I want to lock myself in my home for the next 11 weeks. I am trying to remain positive. Trying real hard. This IS what I want. I just never imagined that after making that decision it would still be this hard. The book I read states that people who have type A personalities are more likely to smoke and have a harder time quitting. Well hello, I am now a believer. We can be so stubborn and hard headed but so weak when it comes to our addiction. Why is that?
I am starting to hate myself a little. I hated myself more smoking but I am hating myself for cheating. I can't do it again. CAN'T!
I just wanted to be honest. P.S. I feel like shit the next day when I cheat. Yep, shit. I am in a salty mood too and my head pounds.
Don't hate.....support.

It was time.

I have needed a change. I enjoy switching it up a bit.
This past week I have taken on a challenge. One that is difficult. Officially I have been smoke free for over 24 hours. No, I do not want to kill anyone. I have more energy and I have been told that I am in a better moood. I did have a dream last night about smoking which is normal but I thought it was funny. I was running toward my friend Carolyn on a beach with a cigarette in my hand screaming that I needed a lighter. Funny.
Along with this lifestyle change I decided that this girl needed a face lift on the outside as well. So, I cut 10 inches off of my hair. Yep, sure did. Donated the hair that was all one color to Locks of Love. I also decided that I was in need of a color change. So, I went super dark brown and magenta. So far, nothing but good response. Granted, I don't know if these people are stroking my ego or if they actually like my hair. Really though, it doesn't matter because I freaking love it!

Something is wrong with my computer so I will try to post a photo tonight. Until then, please sit in suspense.